(originally posted July 19th 2013 at vulnerablog.com)
I am this walking around smiling being
Scowling often too
I am blissfully communing with leaves and trees and the breeze
As well as hearing my own hateful thoughts.
I am kind in moments
And in others inwardly spiteful
I catch myself flying in a rush of love
As well as in rage-full jealousies
And mean imaginings
I feel warm currents towards some
And judgemental jagged arms in front of others
I whisper powerful affirmations to my heart
From my heart
And I allow and expel through my body
My anger, my hate, my suspicion.
I am a walking breathing living contradiction.
I am full of outrageous negative patterns
And magical optimism too
And I want so much to share them
So as to learn humour, relief, belonging.
But I still don’t quite trust
That it is ok
To be me.
I am a freak.
Yet, why do we all try so hard to be pleasant
When it keeps our aliveness buried, denied?
My REAL love is hiding behind
Layers and layers of angst and frustration and unexpressed life.
Often the love that I pretend to put out
Is half hearted and tainted
By the wall of crap it has to pass through.
It seems to me that in order to shine
I need to let emotional shite explosions
flow, move through me, express
Whilst I am centred enough to observe and own
And channel back into mother earth
I feel the need to keep bursting
In order to get real
Otherwise no love of mine will be real.
Can you handle it if I’m freaky and angry
In your company?
Or would you rather I tame myself
To your needs?
I need more friends around me
Who are willing to be gritty
Actually I just need to be gritty myself.
Gritty and shitty
Yet wholesome and real.
Beautiful in fact.
To fully take responsibility
I need to let myself be seen
Outside of myself
So I can get a more detached perspective and
I want to be so freakingly fucking myself
That laughter will fill me up to bursting point.
And I WILL burst.
I need to find the amusement in my humanity
And I’m getting there.
The need to stay safe is dissolving.
I’m not prepared to stay nice for much longer.
My power is more important to me now
And then I’ll be in LOVE.