Sleeping. A lot.
Getting through this phase
With as much ease as possible.
With as much self love and care as I can allow.
Right now
Self love comes from dropping
The pusher
The achiever
The perfectionist
And instead allowing more of
The sloth
The dreamer
The patient in recovery.
I hear the
Shoulds,
Got to’s
Have to’s
Must’s,
And I give them
The finger
In a loving, centred way,
As I realise
That I don’t need to do anything
That they say,
Or demand.
Their commands only come
To try to make me magically ping
Into this big extreme healthy idea
Of myself.
Well,
I don’t ‘ping’ with that.
I fit in all the different images
Of me.
And today (plus the past two weeks) I’m in
The exhausted worn out pattern.
And I love myself for being here
With ease.
I love myself for allowing myself exactly what I need
Despite judgement
From my inner panel
And from elsewhere.
I love myself for feeling so worn out
For FEELING it and having it.
And I love myself
For not beating myself up.
I love myself for
ACCEPTING
where I’m at right now;
I am lazy, useless, motionless and tired
And I am filled with peace
At the absolute allowingness of it all.
Something I have had to practice and become allowing of is my need to rest, my need for sleep when I am feeling on the low side.
There are many folks, books, people, teachings out there telling me to exercise my way out of depression, positively think my way out of depression or to meditate my way out of depression? When in actual fact I find what works for me best is to ALLOW myself the time and the space for the depression to just be.
This usually means sleeping and feeling overwhelmed and exhausted for a while and knocking on the head any ideas of productivity (although writing and drawing is still happening, and helping) I don’t need to add to that the pressure of giving myself a huge telling off for not being able to get out of the depression or, not being able to sort myself out into a better more ‘pleasing’ state.
I’ve discovered that if I gracefully allow myself to dive into my sleepy depressive moods and needs, that they’ll subside and pass in their own good time, rather than deepen and darken at my not allowing of them. (This goes for the deeper more agitated moods too, but that’s not where I’m at right now)
And, I trust that my body knows what it needs and when.
That’s just me doing the best I can right now. Being a big lump of vulnerable exhaustion, but loving myself anyway. Takes practice I can tell you x
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