Feel the Fear and Dance Anyway!


Dancing is great isn’t it?

I am a street musician, and so I regularly witness the splendid natural and free way that children consciouslessly break into dance in response to beats and melodies.

But what happens to us grown ups?

Through time and life we shut our inhibitions down and become appropriate and extremely self conscious. I believe most of us are like that as a result of living and trying to fit in to our limiting environments and life styles.

And so we end up only dancing on our own, or when drunk or intoxicated, or in special dance groups . . . . basically we forget about the freedom of just breaking into dance where ever we are!

I used to love dancing when I was a clubbing teenager and in my early twenties. Yet even then I’d have times I’d dance and times I wouldn’t. All depended on my level of self consciousness. And on how pissed I was or wasn’t.

My entire 30’s were an extreme challenge of being with and breaking through some heavy mental illness experiences and restrictions
, as well as managing other illnesses that were deeply imbalancing me . I was mostly unwell. And in that unwellness so much broke down in me and in my life. Basically all of who I was not was shattering and I wasn’t quite tooled up yet to discover who I truly am – a work in never ending progress!

In the early years of processing through the bipolar diagnosis I was given, and all the ups and downs and ins and outs that got me that label in the first place, I was exceedingly terrified of everything.

For a while I was living in Glasgow and I lived in the most perfect place for me at the time – with a dancer. Kate used to go out dancing every morning on the side of the river. She is a dancer, like a real one, trained and stuff, and does dance projects, and gives through dance.

I – am not a dancer!

At the time when Kate was doing all her dancing there was NO way I could join her, my self consciousness wasn’t just bursting and ripe with sensitivity, I felt utterly naked and exposed even moving my body or being seen in ANY way.

Public dancing seemed like a ludicrous thing to do. Private dancing even! I hated moving my body, hearing my voice, expressing myself, because I was terrified of all the locked up feelings and emotions suppressed in me that hadn’t yet been expressed through my ancestral line since the Big Bang. Fuck that! I was on lock down, holding on, and not even realising it.

However, to give myself credit, I was doing deep work daily to confront and allow and release the dark buried demonic energies – A.K.A the pissed off and wounded inner child.

So I didn’t take up dancing then. I let Kate get on with it and privately cringed in my own fear. An important part of my journey.

It wasn’t until 2012 when I went to go and be in Bali for Dec 21st 2012 that I rediscovered the joy of dance.

In Ubud’s YOGA Barn they would throw sober community dances every Friday night and Sunday morning. I wanted to go and be a part of this, but was so self conscious. However, I challenged myself – literally by wiggling my little finger to some groovy tunes!

It would take me about an hour to warm just into that move alone! Then for that second hour some full body movement would come in. But I couldn’t open my eyes. I couldn’t connect with others. I was looking and feeling within ‘How are you? How are you Lexi? Are you OK?”

“Yes, yes, as long as you stay with me.”

I went back for more, each time allowing the body to open and move more, a little sooner, a little deeper. I really was rediscovering dance.

One day, Robyn, an awesome switched on woman I had met told me “I love how you look after and love yourself when you are dancing”

This comment had a big impact on me. It helped me see and realise what I was doing.

So each time I went back to go and dance I went to go and dance with myself and on the odd classic pumping house track that everyone remembers I might open up and groove it down with others!

But it was mostly about finding the connection with myself and nurturing myself.

When I came back to England I was gutted to realise that there were no dance places right for me anywhere. The pubs and clubs and even 5 rhythms groups were not right for me. I realised if I wanted to dance I would have to take it outside, find spots, dance anyway.

And so I did, in 2013. And it all began the same way as when I was in Bali – with the little finger wiggling.

I remember going up to the downs in babbacombe, grooving my little finger, finally freeing my body to move. An elderly lady watched the whole display, to later tell me that she was a trained dancer and didn’t recognise any of the moves I was bustin!

At this At this time I was reading about Gabriella Roth, the founder of 5 rhythms. She had said somewhere, something along the lines of “the more you move your body the more you shake off the self consciousness” and this is entirely true.

So I went to more and more spots. First totally hidden from view. Then partially within view. Until finally in full vision anywhere!

In 2014 I grew a cancerous tumour on my collar and that freaked the living daylights out of me. Not only was I freaked by cancer, I went manic trying to ‘save’ myself, and this manic phase was followed by ‘another’ dark night of the soul, lasting 6 months.

I danced through all of that.

I made myself t-shirts with ‘Cancer Dancer’ and ‘Lymph Nymph’ on.

By now I was not only exercising my own freedom I was being an example for one way to work with the terrifying energies of aggravated depression, anxiety and cancer.

It took me immense courage to pull my skin and bones together to get me out dancing x moving that Lymph. Every other activity was a nightmare. But in dancing I could somehow manage some aspect of that in almost all states. I could dance and cry. I could dance and sob. I could dance and feel angry. I could dance and think FUCK YOU! I could dance and feel love. And most of all I could dance and CREATE JOY.

Through early 2016 I found a club that was playing the kind of music I love and so I danced there, on the mostly empty dance floors! Because this provided for me space and music in 5 hour stretches I would get into some deep shamanic states, but with this I went through a spate of profound seizures, one of which nearly killed me. This may have been diabetes related, but the paramedics said other wise. Whatever it is I realise I need to take great care of myself when dancing myself exceedingly free!

I became aware that through the dancing I was cracking and breaking and shedding a whole load of stifling beliefs that kept me small; I’m not good enough, I feel like a twat, people must think I am mad, I AM mad! and a whole load more.

I became aware that each time I headed out to dance I was getting braver and braver. More and more in the realm of not giving a fuck. More and more fascinated by how my inner being was feeling rather than by how any outer beings were thinking.

As I’ve done it more and more I notice I am building and creating and spherecising a great bubble of permission in and around me of FUCK IT! I’m dancin!

In my dancing outside in public spaces I confront, break through, meet and come to love many things –

I grow a HUGE Fuck It attitude!
I exercise my body in the most joyful way
I make other people smile
I freak some others out!
I put smiles on the faces of all my cells
I shake off giving a shit about so many things
I get that Lymph moving around my body
I tone up better than any other way
I raise my consciousness
I elevate my joy – immediately
I get braver in all other areas of my life
I cause my muscles and joints to feel more supple
My posture gets corrected
My walk is fluid and groovy
I connect with mother earth and all the elements and dance with them
I use the dancing to celebrate EVERYTHING
I dance IN the new earth crystalline grid
I fulfill the deep need for playfulness in my spirit
I appreciate FULLY all the musicians behind the music
I enjoy nature in an abundant way
I see EVERYWHERE as a dance floor
I develop strength to work through mental illness
I dance with all my inner children
I DANCE WITH AND FOR THE MULTIVERSE!
I learn what it is to love myself

I’ve been street performing for the last 2 years as a singer/songwriter. There is no way I would have started that had I not started dancing first. Obviously, you receive a lot of attention on the streets singing. I wouldn’t have had the nerve had I not softened myself up with some public dancing beforehand. I didn’t plan it that way, I just recognise it now in hindsight.

Just like with the street singing, I take myself out dancing in different states. I have a lot of imbalance to balance; illness, energy, moods, emotional states, spiritual issues.
Dancing outside magnificently helps.

I am writing this blog because I would like people to understand that the courage it takes to go and sing and dance out in public places does not come from nowhere. It comes from a long hard earned path of finding and honouring oneself. From taking care of one’s own soul needs.

It has been through necessity I have been embracing my creative expressions, because I learn that through doing so I serve my soul, heart, spirit, being and body in an extremely powerful way. An extremely joyful way.

Once I get past the fear and paranoia of being considered a twat I discover the freedom that I have. And trust me, it is freedom we have, here, in this country, in this life, at this time.

My recent explorations into the Akashic Records has been filling me with a soul awareness of all the many incarnations I have had, WE HAVE had, where freedom has NOT been available.

Had I danced outside in public places a few hundred years ago I would have been tortured and put to death. This still happens in some cultures now, I’m sure. The suppression of the feminine.

Is that enough of a reason to embrace the freedom we have?

It is for me.

And that’s why I say feel the fear and dance anyway. Fuck it! What have you got to lose? Self consciousness?

It’s a no brainer!

P.s – I am currently dreaming into being silent discos, or pop up dance groups, or silent Raves, or ways to provide space for and encourage dance to come into normal every day activities and existence. So please if you see me dancing come and join in xx

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

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